A tightrope walk
by solveariddle
Summary: When Gillian Foster and Cal Lightman meet, neither of them is prepared for what happens. Becoming business partners is one thing, but falling for each other is a whole different matter. My take on why they had to define "the line".
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Wow! I am excited that there are so many new LTM/Callian stories or story updates here on FFN. The new year just became even more promising. I have a few to read & review and hope to catch up with that over the weekend but one thing at a time.

Here's the first chapter of my new story (that will probably be a two- or three-shot). The basic idea is why Cal and Gillian had to define "the line". I know, I know – it is anything but knew. When I re-watched the scene in Season One in which they talk about the line and how they have to respect it, though, the idea for this story came up and wouldn't let go. Timeline-wise, the story is set before the show begins, starting with how we all know they met - namely Cal being Gillian's patient - and continuing from there until the moment when they define the line.

One more thing: Of course, this story is my take on what happened between them, but it is no alternative universe in which they end up "happily ever after" because they weren't romantically involved when the show started. Just so that you know what to expect. IMO, this is not necessarily a bad thing because their mutual attraction that will be the center of this story makes up for a lot. So, here it is. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** Not mine. LTM is owned by Fox. This is just for fun and as sad or mad I am that this brilliant show was cancelled, I am really, really grateful that someone created Cal Lightman and Gillian Foster. Thank you!

* * *

Dr. Cal Lightman is a bad patient. No, scratch that. He used to be a bad patient but since he met Dr. Gillian Foster, he _loves_ being a patient. Not that he would ever admit this. To anybody. Especially not to his wife.

His superiors ordered him to visit her – a psychologist – and he was furious, well aware of their hidden agenda to diagnose him as _broken in the head_, as he describes it, in case he won't do as he is told. He didn't expect his punishment to turn into a reward.

His mood improves merely based on the fact that he is going to see her and whenever he sees her, he doesn't want his therapy unit to end. After their last session, he knows that he doesn't want to work for the Pentagon any longer. He wants to start his own business and he doesn't want to do it alone.

* * *

Dr. Gillian Foster is well aware of the fact that she has gotten too close to one of her patients. Dr. Cal Lightman. The fact that she is aware of it, though, doesn't mean that she can explain it, let alone stop. Not that there is anything to stop. Nothing happened. They haven't even come close to violating the ethical aspects she has to obey; everything is purely professional. Yet, there is a special connection between them, an almost intimate bond despite the fact that they just met. She is attracted to him in a way that never happened to her before, not even when she met her husband, and she hates that she can't tell whether it is her imagination playing tricks on her or whether he feels the same.

There is an awkward moment before he walks out of the room after their last session as if he wants to say something or considers to give her a hug, but in the end he just leaves. She almost holds him back, wants to actually. Of course, she doesn't do it – ethics and all.

Afterwards, the void in her life taunts her and she wonders how it is possible to want something so much she never even had. She is happily married, she keeps telling herself. Her husband and she want to start a family. Everything should be perfect, but all she sees when she is about to fall asleep and closes her eyes is how he slouched on the couch in her consulting room as if he belonged there.

* * *

Cal is no voice expert, but he is pretty sure that Gillian Foster tries to cover up relief when he calls her a few weeks later and he can't imagine why she would be relieved that he calls. On the surface, though, she sounds friendly and adequately surprised. He is also surprised to find out that it takes considerably less effort than he expected to talk her into meeting him. As soon as he tells her that it is a matter of business, she agrees and he can't avoid the impression that any reasonable pretense would have been good enough for her to meet him. Go figure.

Gillian can't believe what Cal Lightman asks her. Starting a business together. Giving up her safe job in exchange for the complete unknown. This is not who she is. The mere thought should scare her off. Instead, she knows she will say yes the moment he asks her. Something just clicks when they are together and the very idea of being his business partner causes the butterflies in her stomach to flap their wings wildly. She doesn't tell him her answer straight away, though, even if she doesn't want to string him along. But she can't give him an answer here and now. No matter what her instinct, or whatever it is that takes over whenever she's with him, wants her to do; this is a far-reaching decision. She has to talk it over with her husband.

They met after work for a drink and he raises his glass.

"Whatever your decision will be, it's Cal from now on," he says and clicks glasses with her.

"Gill," she answers, realizing that she just gave him permission to call her by the term of endearment only her husband and very close friends are allowed to use.

He smiles like a cat that is going to indulge in eating the mouse any second.

"Now, Gill," he asks, "tell me exactly what I have to do to get you to say yes."

He smiles some more and the butterflies in her stomach go crazy.

_Nothing_, she thinks because her decision to say yes and become his business partner stands already firm even if he doesn't know it as yet.

"Beg," she answers instead and can't believe how sultry her voice sounds. What on earth is she doing?

* * *

The ink on the contract documents has barely dried when they find the perfect premises for The Lightman Group. They agreed on the name because neither Gillian nor Cal are avid for fame but since he wrote the famous book, it makes sense to refer to his name.

They meet outside and Cal opens the door. He insisted that only Gillian and he take a look around, and eventually, the realtor gave in and handed the keys over to him.

"Ta-da!"

By now, she is able to read his face pretty well and his voice even better. He is not remotely as eased as he tries to appear. This is as big a step for him as it is for her.

There are just a few and rather small rooms, but it is a start. And most of all, it is theirs. _Their company_. It almost takes her breath away, and judging by the look on his face, his, too.

When their little tour is finished, Gillian stops and turns around to face Cal. She wants to tell him how much this means to her, but there is a lump in her throat and the words won't come. So, she coughs slightly instead.

"Yes," he says, looking at her intensely, and she realizes that he can read her as well as she can read him. _Yes, it's overwhelming. Yes, it's wonderful._ Then again, this is not how Cal Lightman talks. Therefore, one simple word has to be enough. "Yes," he repeats, knowing that she understands.

She does, getting closer and hugging him because this is a special moment for both of them.

It is their first embrace and the moment Cal closes his arms around her, it dawns on him that it is a mistake. She feels and smells too good to not let his imagination stray. Even if the way Gillian nestles up to him is rather innocent, he knows there's more to it. They both know. He is attracted to her in a way that never happened to him before, not even when he met his wife. Moreover, he is pretty sure that she feels at least partly the same. For God's sake, she made him _beg_ before she agreed to be his business associate. He will never forget the way her voice sounded – sultry and seductive. And he didn't hesitate to do it to make her a part of his life. Back then, either of them was aware what they were doing, that they were walking a tightrope. In a way, they still are. It doesn't matter, though, because they are both married and they are both not the cheating kind. These moments are all they have.

So, he relishes the moment, holds her as close and as long as possible while still being able to classify it as appropriate between business partners. And then a little bit closer and longer because, really, who is he trying to fool?

When Cal finally releases her, he kisses Gillian on the cheek. Well, not exactly on the cheek but almost on the lips instead, missing them only by millimeters. It's as close as he can come to kissing her without actually kissing her. His lips tingle with an anticipation he wants to but can't fulfill. He feels her tense briefly before she smiles shyly and with a twinge of regret at him. His heart aches when he realizes that she trusts him enough to be sure that he won't make a move on her despite their mutual attraction.

They call the realtor and tell him that they want to sign the lease contract. When Cal walks Gillian to her car after that, they barely talk. There is nothing they could say they don't already know.

* * *

The official opening ceremony of The Lightman Group takes place a couple of weeks later.

Gillian catches Cal at a favorable moment. All their guests seem to be occupied otherwise.

"So, do you hate it as much as you expected?" she asks buoyantly, smiling at someone walking by.

"Even more, darling," he growls, nodding friendly at someone else.

Formalities are not something Cal Lightman enjoys. She has to give him credit for trying though.

"Good thing then that we are the only ones here who are able to read people," she banters, "because you could do better faking it."

Cal snorts. "Doing my best here. So... Where's Alec?" he changes the subject. Deflection. Such an evening with its formal obligations is bad enough for him as it is. He doesn't want to talk about it as well during the few minutes he gets to spend with her.

Of course, they invited their spouses to the opening ceremony, but neither Zoe nor Alec appeared so far.

A slight flicker of sadness crosses Gillian's face. Ever since her decision to become Cal's business partner, all she and Alec seem to do is fight. Alec prefers the straight path. Working at the Pentagon was a guarantee for her career and useful contacts. Working with a scientist who has a rather peculiar reputation despite his brilliant mind isn't. When Gillian told Alec about Cal's offer, their talk turned into an argument quickly. So, they argued, she cried and then they argued some more. In the end, he gave in because he had rarely seen her insist on something so fiercely. Alec loves Gillian and doesn't want to lose her even if he still believes it was the wrong decision.

"He couldn't make it," she says quietly. Gillian is aware that Cal sees the sadness in her eyes and is grateful that he doesn't call her out on it.

Alec had left open whether he would come or not, and until an hour ago, she hoped that he would join up with them. At so late an hour, though, she has given up hope. It hurts. Another reminder that there are two men in her life now who don't seem to walk into the same direction. On some days she wonders how long she can keep running back and forth between them until the distance becomes too large so that she has to make another decision.

"What about Zoe?" she asks. In a way, Gillian is deflecting like Cal. On the other hand, she really wants to know.

"She has to prepare for a court hearing tomorrow," he states and she can't tell whether it is true or a pretense. Maybe he doesn't know himself.

Gillian hopes that it is true, that Cal doesn't have to fight the same fights at home she has. Then again, it is oddly fitting that neither her husband nor his wife showed up tonight.

It is one of those moments. They could talk about so much more or they could just let it be, ignore it for the sake of the big picture. Their silence lasts a moment too long to take up the issue. For now, they will ignore what it means that it is only the two of them here.

Cal winks at Gillian and is about to walk back to the guests for another round of the smalltalk he hates so much but is willing to fake to promote their new company. Apparently, though, he has something else to say first.

"Oh," he lets drop casually, "I almost forgot to tell you. The office equipment, the security deposit and the rent for the first six months used up my last money. So, aside from what you brought into our partnership, we're practically broke."

Gillian stares at him. Accounting is his weakness, but she hoped there would be time to figure out how to handle their finances after the opening ceremony. He assured her that his assets were sufficient to cover the start-up costs.

"Don't worry, luv," he reassures her. "If your money is used up, too, before we have any clients, I can always go to Vegas."

Cal's finger caresses her jaw and his touch irritates Gillian enough so that she doesn't respond immediately to this rather unpleasant revelation and rather unusual attempt at a solution. And it irritates her even more that he most likely is aware of the effect his touch has on her and is doing it on purpose.

He holds her gaze until he is sure that she neither will tear him apart nor delve into the subject right away although the way she tilts her head back tells him that they will for sure discuss it tomorrow. Only then, he turns around and walks away from her.

"Great," Gillian mumbles, watching Cal disappear among the crowd.

Yes, he can be really irritating sometimes. In a moment like this, she is relieved that her well-adjusted, by comparison boring husband will be waiting for her when she comes home and not a ticking time bomb like Cal.

* * *

To be continued. Thank you for reading.

Every review is very appreciated (long, short, constructive criticism, your call).

Next chapter: Things get a little tense. Well, there has to be a reason why they need the line, right?


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Thank you so much for your reviews & alerts, as always including those of you who reviewed without an FFN account so that I couldn't get back to you personally – in this case Viola and "guest". You guys all rock and are the best!

Here comes the reason why Gillian and Cal laid down rules and invented the line. And, yes, it probably is exactly what you are thinking of right now. So, go for it.

**Disclaimer: **Not mine. Yadda yadda yadda. You know the drill.

* * *

Weeks and months pass by and The Lightman Group slowly but surely turns into a huge success. They still don't have much money, though, and are chronically understaffed. Therefore, everyone has to make extra hours – including, or especially, the two proprietors of the company.

They have to present the result of their analysis tomorrow morning to their client and they are stuck. Instead of having dinner at this new, fancy restaurant together with Alec and Zoe, they are studying video tapes and photographs to find the truth or rather the lie.

There is a kind of truce recently between Cal and Gillian and their spouses. All four get along quite well. The enormous amount of time the company demands has significant effects on their private lives that are not easy to accept for neither of them. Yet, the success seems to have calmed Alec and Zoe, seems to have finally convinced them that The Lightman Group is not just a pipe dream but something substantial.

Cal and Gillian are in a small room they usually use for meetings with clients. With a couch, a side table and two armchairs, it is more comfortable than their office. That's why it has become their habit to end up here whenever they have to work late hours. Everyone else already left. It's close to midnight and even if they expect their staff to do overtime, they don't expect them to work at this late hour. Cal's laptop sits on the table and there are papers and photographs everywhere – on the table as well as on the floor. Everything is in slight disarray; the remains of their Chinese take away food are in the trash. Cal had chop suey and Gillian ate the wontons despite his vehement protests that she shouldn't eat something that has meat in it you can't see.

Cal is sitting next to the table on the floor, pushing the papers around, picking up photographs at random, or at least this is what it looks like, but Gillian knows that there is more to it. She has learned to just let him do as he likes when he is in an overtired, yet highly concentrated, state as he is right now. Well, actually, she has learned to let him do as he likes most of the time.

"Can you show me the video feed again?" he asks frowning, without looking up from one of the photographs.

Maybe he found something. Gillian really hopes he found something, that this is the breakthrough and they can go home. She can barely keep her eyes open and her neck and shoulders hurt. Yes, a breakthrough would be great.

She leans over, presses play and Cal slightly shifts his position so that he can take a better look at the screen of the laptop. Gillian is sitting on the couch and he is still sitting on the floor right beside her legs, leaning against the couch and using it as a backrest. When they are working late like this, they always end up physically close to each other and it has nothing to do with this _thing_ between them they prefer not to talk about. Actually, they seem to have found a way to handle it. They flirt, they banter, but that's it because there is simply no other option given the circumstances. Their physical closeness in situations like this, though, has a different reason. It's as if they regain their strength when they are close to each other, as if the energy that flows back and forth between them is the only thing that keeps them going on such a hard day.

"There. Do you see it?" Cal stops the video and points at the screen.

"Yes." Gillian nods. She takes a brief look at the picture in Cal's hands and then looks back at the screen. "He does a very good impression of faking his surprise, but his baseline reaction in this photograph when he was genuinely surprised shows that this is not an honest reaction. He's lying."

"Definitely lying," Cal confirms. "And I have to admit he's good, but..." He lets the picture drop to the ground. "...we're better."

Gillian is so tired that she can't even laugh at his remark. A relieved relaxation starts to sink in.

"Oh, thank God, we can go home now," she sighs and leans back but immediately sits up again and straightens her back. "Ouch." She tries to massage her tense neck with one hand.

"Let me."

Cal stands up and sits down next to Gillian on the couch, grabbing her shoulders and turning her body away from him so that he is effectively sitting behind her, facing her back. It all happens in one fluent motion. Long days and high heels are often the cause of Gillian's tense shoulders and neck, and somehow, it became part of their tacit agreement that he is allowed to touch her to relax her muscles. His hands find her shoulders and he is about to start a massage as he did several times before although massaging your business partner is probably bordering on what's appropriate and what's not. Cal highly doubts that she tells Alec about it, but frankly he doesn't care.

The sleeveless dress Gillian is wearing today is high-necked and solid substance, though, and doesn't give him the access he needs to relax her muscles properly. Without pausing to think, Cal unzips her dress a little and then starts his usual massage. Only when she freezes and he catches the strap of a black bra from the corner of his eye, he realizes what he did and freezes, too. Neither of them moves. His hands are underneath her dress, touching her shoulders. If it is possible that body temperature doubles within seconds, hers just did. Cal feels as if he is burning up. Yet, he doesn't seem to be able to remove his hands from her skin.

"Are you still breathing, luv?" Cal asks after a moment because the silence threatens to become awkward and he has to do something. After all, it was his fault. If it was a fault that is. Right now, he can't form an opinion. His brain is not occupied with rational thinking actually. To be honest, his brain is not occupied at all. His body is occupied, _very occupied_, with not reacting despite its primal instinct.

"I," her voice is so quiet that he almost doesn't hear her. "I don't know."

Still, neither of them moves. They can't sit like this forever or maybe they can, maybe it wouldn't be the worst that can happen. This tightrope walk they have been doing recently seems to have found its sudden end. They are standing on the brink. It's either jump and fall or step back.

When Gillian heard and felt Cal pull down the zipper, she couldn't believe it, thought it was a mistake. Then she realized that he hadn't given what he was doing a moment's thought until it was too late, until her dress gaped open and her skin and parts of her underwear were bared. The worst thing is, though, that she can't suppress her immediate reaction. Arousal. The harder she tries to deny it, the more distinctly she feels it. She is married. She is supposed to tell him to stop, but her thoughts are a blur.

_Stop. Don't stop. Stop. No, please, don't stop. Please..._

Right and wrong are mere words without a definition that she seems to be able to understand. That's why she almost stopped breathing in a futile effort to control herself. Gillian releases a deep breath she held and this puts Cal into motion. His hands slip down her arms, almost pulling the dress over her shoulders in the process.

_Stop. Don't stop. _

As sudden as he started to move, Cal stops again. His hands come to rest on her arms.

_Stop. No, please, don't stop._

He leans his forehead against the back of her head and takes a deep breath.

_Please..._

Her hair tickles his nose; he inhales the sweet scent of her shampoo. Gillian didn't stop him so far and her body literally vibrates due to the pent-up tension. It's as if one move, one spark, will light a fire neither of them will be able to blow out. Nevertheless, Cal simultaneously realizes two things. The first almost takes his breath away. She wants... _this_ as much as he does. This isn't about what they want though. This is about what is the right thing to do, and no matter how much she wants this, she still wants him to stop before she has to tell him to let it be.

"You have no idea how hard this is," he whispers into her hair not even sure whether she is able to hear him, but he has to get the words out. They will choke him otherwise.

Her hands find his so that their position turns into an oddly intimate embrace despite the surreal circumstances.

"I know," she whispers in response.

It is just the two of them, the silence that surrounds them and the darkness outside. Cal wishes that this moment will last a little longer, that he at least can hold her if he can't have her. But too soon Gillian lets go of his hands and sits up.

"Could you?" she asks with a scratchy voice, pointing at her zipper.

Cal doesn't want to let go of the warmth of her skin, of _her_, but he knows that this is nothing to discuss. Therefore, he wordlessly pulls up the zipper of her dress and leans over to kiss her neck softly before he stands up.

"Goodnight, luv," he mumbles and walks out. He knows he did the right thing. Yet, he feels like a defeated man.

"Bye, Cal," Gillian replies when she is able to speak again although he has already left the room and doesn't hear her anymore.

She sits on the couch until her heartbeat slows down and the nagging pain she is feeling inside turns into a vague numbness. Then she also stands up and heads home.

They stood at the brink and stepped back. So why does it feel as if they jumped and fell? Hard.

* * *

I have to admit that I was on the brink of letting them... not stop when I wrote this chapter. Blame it on the mutual pull they exert on each other and that is always present, even in writing. But in my book it would have been out of character, albeit tempting, to let them cheat.

Next chapter: Introducing "the line". It will all be very emotional and there will probably be the one or other surprise.

Thank you for reading. Every review is very appreciated.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **This chapter kind of claimed a life of its own and came out much more emotional than I expected it to be. (That is the surprise I was hinting at in my comment at the end of the last chapter. I guess you'll understand what I mean when you read it.) Maybe it was bound to happen because despite the chemistry between Cal and Gillian, it is their emotional bond that intrigues me the most.

Again & always THANK YOU for your support, the alerts and most of all for your reviews: **Artemis-Athene, deenikn8, ElaineP, halleyfarrot29, Jack4Sam, jenron12, KarenJC, LochNessMonster20, madmother2, mylla88, silviaa29, Viola, whathobertie & everyone who reviewed as "guest".**

I hope you enjoy reading this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it.

**Disclaimer: **Not mine.

* * *

They don't talk about what happened. At least not with words. Non-verbally, they agree to talk about it later. Whatever later means aside from _not now_.

In a way, nothing has changed. They are attracted to each other and aware that they can't act upon it. The only difference between _before_ and _after_ being that they came closer to disregarding the latter. Too close actually so that what didn't happen between them hurts like a raw wound.

Therefore, and no matter how well they compartmentalize, Cal is not able to ignore the situation completely since it was him who caused it all. He keeps looking for signs that Gillian is angry or sad, anything, but the more he keeps looking, the more she keeps up the facade, giving away nothing. Either he is losing his ability to read her because of their closeness or she compartmentalizes even better than he does. He has to know though. Three days after the incident in question, he isn't able to contain himself any longer and asks her.

"Are you okay? Are _we_ okay?"

Is she okay? Gillian doesn't have to think twice. No, she is not. In fact, she is anything but, barely able to sleep or eat, to function at all. From an outside perspective, she didn't go wrong. She didn't initiate what happened, didn't cheat on her husband. It was Cal who almost did... something and backed off in the very last moment. So, why is she ridden by guilt? Why does it feel like cheating every night when she is lying beside her husband in bed, listening to his breathing? Alec is unaware of what happened and even more of what almost happened but didn't because of their self-restraint or whatever it was that made them stop.

It's the _almost_ that keeps her awake at night. The vivid pictures that come to her mind whenever she allows her imagination to go there – how it would have been if they had given in to temptation. She always was aware of the fact that she is attracted to Cal, but the intensity of her feelings, of her longing for him when he touched her, blew her away and still haunts her. During the day, she more or less manages to suppress these thoughts, but at night there is nothing to distract her.

No, she is not okay, but admitting it will lead to more questions and answers she is not ready to handle. Therefore, Gillian lies and hopes that Cal lets her get away with it.

"Yes, everything's fine."

He looks at her as if he doesn't feel certain whether he can believe her or not and she is irritated because she never even considered it possible that she could lie to him of all people. Maybe what happened rattled him more than she thought. Either way, he accepts her answer and leaves it at that.

When on the following day, though, they have the same brief exchange of words and the day after another time, Gillian realizes that it won't work. They can't go on like this forever. Compartmentalizing. Denying. Delaying the necessary. Ignoring the obvious. _Later_ is now. They have to talk.

* * *

She waits until evening. The office is empty except for them. Cal is sitting at his desk, doing some research or probably rather surfing the net.

"Can we talk?"

His facial expression is a mixture of surprise, anticipation and wariness; Cal answers her without the slightest hesitation, anyway.

"Of course, luv."

Gillian sits down opposite him, his desk a barrier she appreciates in light of the kind of talk they need to have. She imagined them having this talk countless times but when she sees the way he looks at her, all rational words or explanations what they should do and why are replaced by the urge to simply tell him what she feels. The truth. She swallows. Her pulse already races and quickens even more at this thought.

Cal watches her. The swallowing, the rapid breathing, the way her carotid pulses. He may experience difficulties to read her face, but he experiences no difficulties to read her body language. Gillian has a hard time trying to compose herself. Nevertheless, he patiently waits for her to begin with whatever she wants to talk about even if he has a pretty good idea what it is.

"I want to thank you," she doesn't look at him when she says this, is looking at her hands instead that are fiddling nervously with the hem of her dress. Otherwise, she would have seen the flash of astonishment on his face.

"Thank me for what?" Cal asks gently when she doesn't offer an explanation. He has no idea what she just thanked him for and moreover why.

Gillian sits up and looks at him.

"Thank you that you backed off," she says quietly, holding his gaze. "Because I feel anything but certain that I would have stopped you if you hadn't."

She talks about _that _night, about what almost happened between them. For a brief moment, there is absolute silence, her confession taking up room like a physical presence. Cal can't believe it. The realization that he maybe, _probably_, could have gone through with his unintended advances makes him dizzy. He mainly backed off because he assumed she wanted him to and here she is basically telling him the opposite. As if it all wasn't bad enough, he now also wonders whether he missed a chance that will never come up again.

"Can you say something, please," Gillian pleads meekly.

She can't believe what she just told him, never meant to tell him this. Then again, it can't hurt more than it already does, can it? She is closer to Cal than to any other person in the world, including her husband; she doesn't delude herself about it. Losing him is no option. Perhaps the truth is the best or rather the only way to deal with what happened and what they are to each other. They have to work together and run a company after all. Let alone that they are friends. The thought of a life without Cal turns her stomach. No, losing him definitely is no option. They have to work this out.

Cal still is stunned. Her admission leaves him speechless. They have driven themselves into a corner and he has no idea how to get them out. He wants her; she wants him. Where do they go from here? How are they supposed to deal with it? In a way, it was easier for him when he thought she had wanted him to stop, when all he had to worry about was if she is angry or disappointed with him. But this... He has no clue what to say or do and chooses a reaction they both know too well. Deflection.

"So, you wouldn't have been able to resist me?" Cal makes an effort to fake their usual banter.

The smirk on his face is charming – charming and forced. Her reaction is prompt and unfiltered – irritation bordering on contempt. Gillian offered him honesty, leaving her vulnerable and exposed. She had doubts what to expect from him in return, but she hoped for something else than this.

"Don't try to turn this into a joke," she hisses. "If you want to use what happened and what I just told you to flatter your ego and humiliate me, fine, do it, but I can't act as if nothing's wrong. I told you the truth because first and foremost we are friends, and for some reason, I believe I owe you the truth even if you apparently don't share my opinion."

"No... I'm...," Cal tries to get a word in edgewise.

Once she has started, Gillian rants on, though, and doesn't seem to be able to stop as if their not-talking during the last days almost suffocated her.

"Don't insult my intelligence by even trying to tell me that all this came as a surprise. I mean, sure, in a way, we both were surprised by what happened," she acknowledges and pauses briefly, obviously picturing the incidents of the night in question, before she continues, "or what almost happened."

Under different circumstances, the arousal that is caused by the mere memory and written all over her face despite the fact that they are arguing right now would be even more tempting than it is in this awkward situation.

"Gill...," Cal tries again, forcing himself to be sensible and not to react to what he sees.

However, Gillian is not finished even if she seems to have calmed down a bit.

"I think we are both quite aware, Cal, that we were attracted to each other right from the beginning. Something like this was bound to occur sooner or later. We only should have been prepared better."

Brutal honesty is Loker's métier usually. Cal has to give Gillian credit for not backing down though. She told him everything she wanted, put into words what they already knew but didn't dare to talk about, and withheld nothing. Her hands that she used to underline her statements, as she always does, rest in her lap, exhaustion setting in.

"We need to work this out, Cal," she says, tearing up. "We have to get along – if not for our sake then for the sake of running this company together."

Cal can handle an angry Gillian, but he never saw her cry before. A sad Gillian tugs at his heartstrings. She mistakes his silence for rejection.

"Or don't you want us to work together any longer?" she whispers, tearing up even more.

She never suspected that, but suddenly it seems possible that everything falls apart. Right here and now.

Listening to Gillian, letting her words fill him up, created an uncomfortable tension in Cal's muscles and strained his nerves. The energy trapped within his body needs an outlet.

"No... Gill... No...," Cal almost shouts, jumping up.

He didn't give the likelihood a moment's thought that his deflection could cause such a reaction. In a flash, he walks around his desk to approach her. As soon as Gillian realizes what he is doing, though, she also jumps up and uses the armchair she sat in as another barrier between them. Cal stops dead in his tracks and raises a hand.

"I'm sorry. My remark was stupid and rash. I don't want to turn what happened into a joke. I don't want to humiliate you, for God's sake. And of course, I want to keep running the company with you. Bloody hell, Gillian, what do you think? That I want to give up The Lightman Group because I believed you rejected me? Or whatever it was that happened."

She relaxes a little, but still holds on to the armchair.

"I didn't reject you, Cal," she breathes. "That's part of the problem. That I didn't do anything. I was paralyzed and afterwards... I felt so ashamed. I never cheated..." _before_, her voice trails off before she can add the last word. He understands, anyway.

"And you didn't cheat now," Cal says soothingly, aware how weird it is to tell her such a thing.

Yes, technically, she didn't cheat on her husband. The urge to give in and lose herself in Cal's touch several nights ago was nothing, though, compared to the emotional bond she is feeling here and now. A bond that came along with their mutual attraction and also was there out of the blue right from the beginning no matter how hard she tried to deny it. It is getting stronger every day and it is nothing she can turn off or walk away from. It is always there, and in a way, this is the real betrayal. This is why she feels as if she is cheating constantly. She loves Alec, but ever since she met Cal she regrets that she didn't meet him first. So, she can tell him to pull up the zipper of her dress as many times as she want, he will still be her last thought before she falls asleep and her first thought when she wakes up. And she wonders how much longer her love for Alec will be able to survive this.

"Alec and I want to start a family," Gillian tells Cal; the words simply slip out.

It sounds like a justification and maybe it is or maybe it is meant to be another barrier between them. Gillian is not able to blink back the tears any longer, brushing them away angrily. Cal looks at her surprised. That is news to him. She didn't tell him this before.

"That's... great," he offers lamely, conscious that she most likely hears and sees the lie despite her emotional turmoil.

Cal is convinced that Gillian would be a wonderful mother. He just doesn't want her to be the mother of Alec's child. The thought is so crystal clear that it is almost painful. Cal's relationship with Zoe is interesting, complicated, intense. Most of the time he would even say he loved her, but to be honest he wouldn't have married her if she hadn't been pregnant with Emily. Right now, he can't suppress the fantasy how his life would be if it had been Gillian. Back then. Right from the start. Gillian pregnant with Emily. Gillian he went home to every night. Love sometimes seems like a foreign concept to Cal, but with her everything is astonishingly easy. Well, save that he can't actually be with her.

_I love her_, Cal realizes and this love has no other labels like interesting or complicated. It only exists for its own sake.

Gillian holds her breath when the realization hits him and she sees the change in his face. She can't believe what she sees, doesn't even remotely dare to believe it because, as wonderful as it is, it complicates things even more. Her head is spinning. Is the same true for her? Does she love him, too? Yes, she does, and somehow, this is not inconsistent with her love for Alec. It's as if she and Cal are the only people in a world within the world they're living in, sharing a life no one else is granted access to.

Yet, here she is, wanting to start a family together with her husband, planning to have a child that is as beautiful and lovely as Cal's daughter.

"You have Emily," Gillian says, thinking of his little girl.

Cal looks at her as if she hit him, and in a way, she did. She confronted him with the harsh reality. If he loves her, if he wants to be with her, then he has to destroy his family and hurt his child in the process no matter how much he will try to prevent it. Being a psychologist, she knows exactly what she did. They are in a difficult situation to say the least. Maybe they are already in over their heads. Gillian's thoughts of Cal's daughter made her discern that the world she and Cal share is not ready to live up to the real world. At least not for the moment. So, she named the one thing that will cause him not to act upon his feelings. The only barrier that will be able to hold him back. The love for his daughter.

He just stands there, rooted to the spot, and stares at her.

"I meant it when I thanked you." Gillian states. "We would have regretted it the next morning."

She is perfectly calm now, positive about what is the right thing to do. This is not for the sake of their company. This is for the sake of their friendship, of two marriages and a little girl with long brown hair and dark eyes. The sweetest child she has ever met. She loves Emily as if she was her own daughter. Acting upon their feelings would destroy everything, including their love. She doesn't know what the future may bring, but right now there would be too much collateral damage. Neither of them would be okay with it.

Cal considers her words for a moment.

"And you don't have any regrets now?" he then asks her hesitatingly and lets her see everything he regrets in his face. The longing. The love.

The intensity of his feelings sends shivers down her spine and makes her blush. As much as she wants to be the reasonable one, there are some things she has to tell him. Gillian pushes the armchair out of the way and gets closer to him.

"I could tell you I regret that I didn't feel your hands all over my body that night. I could tell you that I think of you every day and more often than not at night. I could tell you how much I want to kiss you right now...," she stops when he clenches his teeth, his eyes burning with a dark desire due to her admission. Aside from that, Cal doesn't move, makes no effort to touch her.

Gillian swallows and takes a deep breath. "I could tell you all that," she continues, "but I won't because it doesn't change a thing. Neither of us is able to see into the future. Here and now, though, there are people in our lives who deserve our love and respect. They deserve that we don't walk away from them. So, to answer your question – no, as long as we are together, I regret nothing."

_As long as we are together..._ The way she phrased it, it implies all or nothing. Working together, being friends and maybe more one day. Just not for the moment.

Cal nods slowly, reluctantly giving in to acceptance. She is right. This doesn't make it any easier, though, when she is standing only an arm's length away from him within touching distance. He wants to touch her, to hold her. She is so close that he can smell her perfume. The same scent he inhaled that night and will never be able to smell again without associating it with her.

"So, how do we do it?" he eventually asks, his voice breathy. "How do we play it safe? Because, you know, you are in constant danger when I'm around."

As serious as the situation is, he can't help but tease her. It's in his blood. Cal reaches out and traces the line of her lower jaw with his fingers. Gillian hold's her breath and tries to reprimand him with a stern look, knowing only too well that she fails. She likes to be the center of his attention and he knows it.

"We need a line," she says thoughtfully when she finally exhales, giving voice to her thoughts as the idea comes to her mind.

"A line?" Cal is stunned. "As in a do-not-enter line?"

"Yes, exactly like this," Gillian is getting increasingly excited about the idea. "A line. Rules. As long as we respect the line and obey the rules, everything will be fine."

"Having a thing for S&M, darling?" he can't help but tease her another time, making her laugh.

She puts her hands against his chest and pushes him back playfully. "Come on, Cal," she rebukes him although she is still smiling, relieved that his humor defused the situation. "This is serious."

Cal wishes she would put her hands back against his chest. The mere contact made him feel better and sent a shiver through his body. Line or not – this won't be easy since she is the temptation right under his nose day in, day out.

"Okay, a line then," he agrees nevertheless.

Maybe the line isn't such a bad idea. Restraints have the allure of a forbidden fruit and only the two of them will know what is on the other side of the line. This could be fun after all.

"Will I be allowed to check you out?" Cal asks, easily managing to keep a straight face. From his point of view, this is a serious question.

"Yes," Gillian answers, shaking her head in disbelief but smiling nevertheless. He always tests how far he can go. More than anything, the line will be a challenge for him.

"Invade your personal space?"

"If I let you."

"Address issues I can read in your face? _Personal_ issues?"

They both fall silent. Then Cal answers his own question because he sees the answer in her face.

"No, I guess I won't be allowed to do that and neither will you," he then declares.

This is the dangerous part; this is what the line is about. Considering what happened, they have to draw the line when it comes to their private lives, their marriages, everything they may catch in between no matter whether Cal reads it in her face or Gillian hears it in his voice.

"Unless the other gives permission," she clarifies.

"Okay then," Cal confirms. "We have a line. And rules."

They are standing there, looking at each other. It feels strangely comforting that they invented the line even if it may be window dressing. Neither of them can tell if they will be able to live by their own rules. But at least it puts them in a position to deal with their almost misstep and continue working together.

Now that Gillian pushed the armchair away, they are already close together. Cal takes another step forward so that there is no more distance between them. Despite the arrangement they just made, she observes him warily. This is Cal after all. He is not exactly predictable. When he takes one of her hands almost shyly, she is surprised but relaxes.

"One more thing before we put the line in place," he says and the tenderness in his voice gives her goose bumps. "I need to tell you something just so you know in case." He looks at her expectantly, waiting for allowance.

This is not how Cal usually behaves. Whatever he wants to tell her has to convey a great deal to him.

"Okay." Gillian squeezes his hand encouraging.

"Can I hold you?" His eyes caress her face; his thumb caresses her hand. "I promise I won't pull down the zipper of your dress unintentionally."

Despite his playful words, he is dead serious and a laughter as well as an answer are stuck in her throat. All she can do is nod.

Cal puts his arms around her, holds her so carefully as if she is the most precious gift he ever got in his whole life. For a brief moment, he simply indulges in the feeling of holding her and inhaling her perfume mixed with the sweet scent of her skin.

Gillian clings to him, stroking his neck with feather-light touches. He knows she won't go beyond this, is straining the limit she has set for herself what she can do without considering it cheating already. So, he will take what he can get.

Then he starts to whisper affectionate words in her ear. Words only meant for her to hear. Words of devotion and longing and maybe love or maybe not, but she hears them, anyway. She closes her eyes and lets the words carry her away, allows herself only to feel for once.

They have come to an agreement they intend to accept and live by its rules. Cal needs Gillian to know, though, what is behind the line. A possible future for them. One day. Under different circumstances.

Until then they have the line.

* * *

**The end **

I'm aware that their honesty lets the story almost stray from canon, but I liked this version too much to change it and hope the same goes for you.

Thank you for reading. Every review is highly appreciated.

Take care, Cee xoxo


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